Chapter 54
It was a claim she had mentioned several times before.
Both before the holy war and after. Leila had liked him, yet she kept her distance and remained only afar. Back then he thought it was an obvious ploy, but now Bjorn wondered why.
She had not wanted a particular relationship with him, then what had she wanted to do with him.
“I am not saying this to save face. This is… my sincere truth. I didn’t want to date or marry you. The feelings I had for you… were probably closer to reverence and admiration.”
Her calm confession struck his head with a sharp realization.
The reason Leila had never wavered even at his ugly behavior, the reason Bjorn had repeatedly failed to disappoint her…
Was because she had never expected anything from him in the first place.
He had tried to eliminate his appeal as a man, yet she had never even seen him as a man to begin with.
As if confirming that realization, Leila continued.
“So even when you returned so broken, it was fine. Not as a man I would share a life and body with, but as someone I revered, I thought I could help enough. Even the physical defect you mentioned… I never expected anything romantic, so I thought it was fine.”
Then, had she never felt the excitement he felt? Did that overflowing affection and boundless acceptance all come only from admiration?
How… how could that be possible.
“Then meeting me all this time was…”
Bjorn asked blankly, and after thinking, Leila answered.
“I just wanted to help. Out of human kindness, and the momentum of cheering you on for so long. The reason I am telling you this now is so you will not take me to heart. My feelings were that light, so please think lightly of them as well. And do not feel burdened by my waiting anymore.”
The painful truth bound his limbs. Only after hearing her did the facts of the past fall into place and crush him.
Leila Bailey had not loved Bjorn Schmidt as a man. That was why she could remain so distant, and why it didn’t matter that he never returned her feelings.
From the beginning she had not wanted any mutual exchange from him. In short, Leila admired the paladin Bjorn, but didn’t want the man Bjorn.
It was a shock as if the world had overturned. The one who inflicted the most fatal wound in his life was no longer his mother.
Even so… despite the pain as if his heart were torn apart.
Bjorn had reached the point of trying to accept even that.
If he could only avoid her leaving now, at this moment, it didn’t matter whether she liked him or admired him.
Even if what she wanted was merely the decent face he himself had despised, it was fine now. Only at the last moment did he become desperate.
“I am truly sorry for everything. For troubling you so much with feelings no more than this. Even making you go as far as to lie.”
But it was difficult to hold onto someone slipping away like sand.
Above all, what froze Bjorn was her firm and resolute attitude.
Her tone was gentle. There was no coldness, nor any intent to wound him. That made him more terrified. The fact that every word she spoke was not anger but calm sincerity was too frightening.
The affection of hers that had filled him with joy, that he believed eternal and unchanging, had in truth been so fragile and precarious.
Yet more despairing was that he now felt he couldn’t live without her.
It could be fragile, it could be false, if only he could find even a trace of the affection she once gave him…
But perhaps all affection had already fallen away because of his conduct, for nothing remained in Leila’s eyes.
What he once truly wished for had happened. Yet now he felt no happiness at all. Instead he wanted to fall to his knees and beg in terror.
But despair finally swallowed him with the last ultimatum that fell from Leila’s lips.
“I will never make you uncomfortable again. Then, please be happy.”
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