Chapter 26
If I had been overwhelmed with guilt, I should have run away on the day of the wedding or the day after he forced me. If not then, I should have confessed the truth to Paul and begged him to leave with me.
So why did I stay by his side even though I knew it was wrong? Why did I persist, even knowing it was the wrong path?
As I pondered this, a phrase that had resonated in my heart flitted through my mind.
“You are the only one for me, Julie.”
Even though I had closed my eyes and ears to the possibility that all of that might have been just sweet talk.
“Julie…?”
By the time I turned my head to the tears rolling down my cheeks, my wet face was already cupped in his hands. He kept soothing me, saying it was okay, as if trying to reassure me.
‘I…’
But I realized something I shouldn’t have.
I shouldn’t love this man. I shouldn’t be by his side.
Yet I kept delaying it.
I kept telling myself it was okay, that it would be okay for a little longer.
Denying reality was my last shred of dignity. I didn’t want to be the fool who gives her heart only to be discarded in the end. If I did, if it truly ended that way, it would be too humiliating.
‘I would be so, so pathetic.’
That’s why, even after things turned out this way, I couldn’t leave him. That’s why I couldn’t confess the truth about my pregnancy. That’s why, only after things had reached this point, I ran away in fear of being abandoned.
This absurd and twisted causality was all because of me—my resentment toward him, my expectations, my fears, and even my affection for him.
Even now, unable to speak the truth, all I can do is push him away.
I’m scared, terrified, and I don’t want to acknowledge it.
“Because I’m, I’m afraid you’ll abandon me.”
My voice cracked, and I burst into tears as I confessed. He couldn’t hide his bewildered expression.
Why? Because it’s inconvenient that there’s a child? I knew it. That’s why I didn’t want to say anything, so why did you come after me? Why?
“Then, it wasn’t because of Paul?”
Damn it! I told you it wasn’t that!
Fed up, I snapped, interrupting my sobs with sharp words.
“It’s not because of my husband!”
At that, he furrowed his brows and harshly retorted, as if offended.
“Don’t even mention that damn husband.”
His reaction was so absurd that my tears stopped. This was like dealing with a paranoid lunatic.
“If the Grand Duchess hears this, she’ll be absolutely delighted.”
In the face of near-death, what use is a charge of blasphemy? Infusing my voice with a hint of sarcasm, I retorted. He looked down at me thoughtfully before leaning closer to my ear and whispering.
“The child isn’t mine.”
Whose child? What child? The Grand Duchess’ child?
Seeing my eyes widen in surprise, he quickly covered my mouth. As if to indicate that revealing this secret would mean the end of everything, he pointed to the soldiers standing guard outside and whispered with his lips.
“It’s the child of Marquis Elva. That’s why I told you.”
“I told you, it’s a political marriage.”
Oh my God, he meant it literally?
As I struggled to find words, he gently caressed my body with an indescribable expression. He then placed his hand softly on my belly and asked with a slightly eager smile.
“How far along are you?”
“About six weeks.”
“Ah, then it was that time.”
This time, I covered his mouth.
Yes, it was that day in the study. He came inside me and continued several times, leaving me soaked in his cxm. I knew that day was risky, and it ended up being a disaster.
When I blushed, he licked the palm of my hand that covered his mouth. Pulling me closer, he asked with concern.
“I heard you shouldn’t do it in the early stages.”
Maybe he felt guilty about being rough earlier, worrying if I was okay. As his hands handled me gently, I felt a pang of curiosity.
If he cared this much, why hadn’t he looked after me before? Why didn’t he seek me out after the news of the Grand Duchess’s pregnancy?
So, after hesitating for a while, I placed my hand on his chest and, suppressing my embarrassment, asked.
“You stopped coming to see me after the news of the Grand Duchess’s pregnancy.”
Feeling slightly awkward delivering my reproach, I watched him rub his forehead and let out a sigh.
Things had indeed gotten tangled. If he had known it would cause such misunderstanding and anxiety, he would have been honest from the beginning. Even now, the thought of her being held back made his heart sink.
Realizing it was finally time to tell the truth, he reluctantly confessed what he had kept hidden.
“There were many things to discuss. I was planning to leave after sorting things out.”
Leave? Who, with whom?
Seeing her wide-eyed question, he smiled broadly and pointed to himself, her, and the baby in her belly.
Then he mouthed the words:
‘We were supposed to become people who had died.’
More or less, that was the plan from the start.
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