Chapter 161
Obscure memories : Freesia
trigger warning: depression, suicide, self-harm, death of loved ones
After the child died, Freesia’s relationship with her ‘husband’ grew even colder than when they had first married. But he wasn’t the only one who treated her coldly.
Everyone pointed fingers at her for having lost the precious child she carried, especially since the ducal family historically sired only few children throughout generations.
“I knew this would happen. She was so arrogant after getting pregnant just once.”
From right next to her, even Elder Lady Electra said things like that.
“…Your Grace needs to bring in a new wife. In these precarious times for the empire, the duchy’s power must be strengthened…”
The retainers pressed Izar daily and didn’t bother hiding their intentions from Freesia. Nearby nobles even began subtly suggesting marriage arrangements, as if she weren’t still there.
She had become so accustomed to their scorn that it was bearable. But the hardest thing to endure, the most incomprehensible, was how her ‘husband’ treated her.
‘I’m certain he hates me again.’
She realized that his kindness during her pregnancy was merely out of concern for her health.
Yet, she still had to remain in Izar’s bedroom. There was a time when staying there felt like a dream come true.
After her mother’s death, she’d never shared warmth in the same bed with anyone else.
As time passed, Freesia began to understand that being confined to his bedroom this time was a punishment.
Her ‘husband’ would occasionally sit with a drink and stare at her, as if deciding what kind of punishment she deserved.
There were no more stars in the night.
“I really… don’t understand you at all.”
Then, one day, he finally broke the silence, letting out a low laugh.
“You’re tougher than I thought. Not a single tear, even after losing your child.”
“……”
“Hah.”
Freesia knew what he was reproaching her for, and she clenched the hem of her dress tightly. She understood how abnormal it looked to be a ‘mother who sheds not a single tear’.
But everything had happened so suddenly, leaving her mind unsteady, as if floating above the clouds. Even mustering the strength to speak had become too exhausting.
He approached her as she remained silent.
She had never seen him smile like that before.
It was a twisted smile, one of disdain, as if he couldn’t bear to kill her but would drag her into his misery, pulling her into his own hell.
“You said our relationship is based on duty, didn’t you?”
“……”
“Then… fine.”
He laughed as if to say they should continue a relationship based purely on duty.
After that night, he lay with Freesia every night.
Unlike their dry consummation night, he embraced her as if wanting to break her.
One night, he held her from behind, driving her into sharp sensations.
“Nng…!”
He no longer faced her, but he knew exactly where to touch her to make her crumble.
Without shame, he entered between her thighs, which parted easily after having accepted him so often.
“Damn it.”
He cursed in a husky voice, biting her shoulder hard.
“Mmnh, ah, ah!”
The mixture of pleasure and pain made Freesia’s head fall limp, like a flower bending under its own weight. The tears that hadn’t come after her child’s death now flowed as sobs.
“Hup, hiic.”
She had lost her first child.
“Ahh…”
Yet her body betrayed her, soaking with desire. As she stiffened, he whispered, trailing his tongue over her neck.
“If you lose one, you just have another.”
“Nngh!”
Their bodies clashed, consuming each other.
Her skin burned with shameful pleasure, but her mind was frozen as if covered in frost.
Panting heavily, he murmured into her ear.
“It’s not a big deal. So how long will you, like this…”
He was right.
Losing a child was something that happened too often. She, too, needed to try to hold on to her husband’s affection.
Otherwise, it wouldn’t be surprising if she were cast out at any time. But even if she weren’t, she felt she’d never find peace of mind.
“Ah. Ah…!”
Even as she convulsed in climax, Freesia’s thoughts grew hazy.
Do I have to keep living like this?
‘Why? Why to this extent…?’
The next day, Freesia threw herself down the stairs without hesitation.
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