I Never Wanted His Child - Chapter 186

‧₊˚ ☁️⋅♡𓂃 ࣪ ִֶָ☾.

Mikhail didn’t have the courage to go closer. The Emilia he knew wasn’t the kind of person who would fear dying.

He was afraid of that.

‘…Why?’

The fact that he was even feeling fear was funny. As Dahlia had said, wasn’t this what he wanted?

He had wanted her to fall into despair, to not find happiness.

His feet wouldn’t move. He stood frozen in place, as if frozen to the spot, letting the rain soak him. Everything around him seemed to flow slowly, except for him.

“Your Grace.”

Even as Byne approached, Mikhail couldn’t take his eyes away from the knights searching through the wreckage of the carriage.

“…Did you find anything?”

“Nothing. Neither Madam nor the maid who went with her are visible.”

“Ha.”

A sigh of relief escaped him. He looked up and let the rain pour down on him. He ran a hand through his hair and exhaled deeply.

“Judging by the extent of the carriage’s damage, it’s highly likely it was washed into the river.”

“So, are you saying that even if Emilia survived the fall from the cliff, she would have drowned?”

“…If she fell from that height, it’s unlikely she would have survived. You know that.”

“There’s no body.”

Mikhail looked at Byne with a serious expression, without a trace of the smile from his face.

“If you’re going to assume she’s dead, at least bring me a body.”

“We’ll search again as soon as the rain stops. It’s impossible now.”

“Impossible?”

“If we search the river in this rain, there will definitely be casualties. Please consider the feelings of the knights who have sworn loyalty to you and followed you this far.”

“…”

Mikhail turned his gaze toward the rising water. Just as Byne had said, he couldn’t sacrifice the knights for something uncertain.

“She’s not dead.”

“Your Grace.”

“So, once the rain stops, resume the search.”

“…Your Grace!”

At that moment, a knight shouted.

Mikhail turned his head at the urgent call.

The knight had found a piece of cloth caught on a branch in the ravine.

When Mikhail saw it, his eyes squeezed shut.

It was a piece of cloth from the clothes Emilia had been wearing.

“It seems… Madam…”

The knight couldn’t finish his sentence. The moment their gazes met, a chill ran down his spine, and his body trembled.

“Do you think she’s dead?”

“…I spoke out of turn.”

“Finish your sentence. Tell me what you think.”

“No, no, I don’t think so. She must be alive somewhere. Madam was a knight, after all. She’s a strong person.”

The knight hastily shook his head and spoke.

“She’s alive. She must be.”

Mikhail stared at the cloth in his hand, still unable to believe it.

Even if she had been careless with her life, she wouldn’t die so easily. She couldn’t just lose her life in the rising river.

“Madam might have taken her own life to end everything.”

Had the situation been so dreadful that she wanted to die?

Had all the guilt and the change in her eyes that she had shown him had been lies?

Mikhail laughed bitterly. He hadn’t believed she would deceive him.

After learning the truth, she stood by him with a resigned expression. She had acted as though she would grant him anything he desired.

The happy smile and the casual conversations they had every day now felt like mere illusions.

Why? Why?

The reason he hadn’t let her see her mother’s death was that he didn’t want to see her break down.

He had planned to explain everything to her once she understood the situation. She wouldn’t know the true reason he had taken her mother from the Loren family.

No, she probably wouldn’t even want to know.

Mikhail was angry. No, saying he was angry didn’t even begin to explain it.

A part of him felt so hollow, it was almost as if something were painfully prodding at him. His throat tightened, and words barely escaped him.

His mind was filled with nothing but questions.

“Your Grace.”

Byne cautiously called to him. Mikhail’s unfocused eyes turned toward him.

“Send people into the city as well.”

“…Do you think she’s not dead?”

“Yes, I believe she’s still alive.”

Even though he knew otherwise, Mikhail felt a rush of relief at those words.

He was relieved that no body had been found among the wreckage, but there was no guarantee she was alive.

He almost wished the rain wouldn’t stop. Then he could believe she was somewhere alive.

“Search the valley as soon as the rainy season is over.”

He walked toward the wreckage of the carriage.

They dug through the ground thoroughly, but when they found no sign of a body, Mikhail clenched his lips in frustration.

“We’ll keep searching the city and surrounding areas, don’t worry. We’ll find her soon.”

The words “We’ll find her soon” felt distant and faint.

Even if she was alive, it wouldn’t be easy to find her. She had likely planned her escape carefully.

She might never show up in front of him again.

Mikhail clenched his fists tightly.

If that were the case, even if she was alive, it would be as if she were already dead.

What should he live for now?

Mikhail felt lost. Everything he had worked for, everything he had been striving toward, seemed to have vanished.

He had lived each day fueled by anger. But now, at this moment, he felt like he had lost his way in life.

‘…Should I die?’

As soon as that thought crossed his mind, his chest tightened painfully. The ground beneath his feet seemed to give way, like it was crumbling beneath him.

“Find her no matter what.”

“Understood!”

He wouldn’t believe it until he saw it with his own eyes.