Chapter 50
Each word was pressed out slowly and deliberately, and Abel could almost hear all the profanity Felix was forcing himself not to say.
Somehow, that made Abel feel a little hurt. Even with that suspicious Commander, Felix never acted like this. So why was it only Abel who got this treatment?
“You still haven’t answered my question.”
Come to think of it, Abel had been sulking.
‘That’s right. I was sulking.’
He hadn’t known he was capable of using such an adorable word to describe himself.
But the more he thought about it, the more it fit.
Felix wouldn’t properly look at him. He wouldn’t talk to him.
Abel had gone beyond simply feeling hurt. He had been sulking.
So much so that he’d started wanting to be difficult just for the sake of it.
‘There were other people around earlier.’
But now… It was just the two of them.
Even if Abel acted a little spitefully toward Felix here, no one else would be around to look down on Felix because of it.
“Yes. I suspect the Commander. So I’ve been thinking back on everything that’s happened between us, wondering whether he had ulterior motives all along… whether all of it was a lie. Is that enough for you?”
But even if Abel wanted to sulk to his heart’s content, he was still the one in the weaker position between the two of them.
Studying the icy look in Felix’s eyes, he said:
“The moment you left, the Duke appeared, as though he’d been waiting for exactly that. And judging by the smile on Gregory’s face, it looked like the meeting had been arranged in advance.”
“…What did you speak to the Duke about?”
It sounded as though he had been about to say Father. Just like earlier, was Felix consciously avoiding that word?
“About the young Duke coming to see me yesterday.”
What kind of expression was that? Relief. Self-reproach. Longing. Resentment. Sorrow. Resignation.
Was it because Abel wasn’t particularly good at reading people’s emotions that he couldn’t understand what Felix was feeling?
Or was Felix simply experiencing that many conflicting emotions at once?
Whichever it was, one thing was certain. Felix wasn’t feeling well.
And so Abel spoke almost without thinking.
“There wasn’t any real sincerity in his apology.”
He said it with the faint hope that those words might somehow ease Felix’s heart.
When Felix gave no response, Abel continued:
“I don’t mean that he wasn’t sorry toward me. What I mean is… I couldn’t see even the slightest trace of affection or concern for his son.”
In spite of his actions, the Duke had seemed like an emotionless puppet, driven only by a sense of duty to do what was expected of him.
Had he managed to get his meaning across?
Looking at Felix’s clouded blue eyes and expressionless face, Abel couldn’t tell whether he understood or not.
“The Duke is just as uninterested in the young heir as he is in you.”
That was why…
Abel had chosen to be this blunt.
Even if Felix had become so consumed by his own emotions that he wasn’t really listening anymore, or even if he understood perfectly and it did nothing to make him feel better…
Either way, Abel knew those words would provoke a reaction.
Sure enough, Felix asked in a chilling voice:
“What exactly are you trying to say?”
“Nothing in particular.”
“I’m giving you sincere advice.”
Felix’s eyes turned cold.
“If you don’t change that attitude, one day someone’s going to put a sword through you.”
Ever since Abel’s confession, Felix had rarely bothered to hide his negative feelings toward him.
Even so, he had never expressed them in words this direct before.
Yet that was precisely why Abel was even more certain.
Felix understood the Duke’s nature better than anyone. And he hated it.
Without looking away, Abel met Felix’s eyes.
Then Abel said the one thing he knew Felix would hate to hear.
“He’s like me.”
“I told you to watch your mouth. What exactly have you been saying since earlier?”
Was he trying to deny it?
Or had he simply never consciously realized it before?
Judging from the flicker in Felix’s eyes, it didn’t seem as though the thought had never crossed his mind.
“Didn’t you notice it too?”
Even if Felix had never consciously recognized it, somewhere deep down he must have sensed it. That Abel and Duke Spencer were remarkably alike.
“The person I used to be before I confessed my feelings to you… and your father. They were very much alike.”
“…”
Abel took a single step closer to the silent Felix.
“You could explain it away by saying I rarely change my expression… or that I simply don’t take much interest in the people around me.”
Those wavering blue eyes. Those trembling lips. His widened eyes. The tension hardening his jaw. The turmoil Felix had failed to conceal spilled out before him.
Looking at him, Abel asked the very question he himself had heard so many times.
“Do you even see me as a human being?”
The priest who had raised him as a child had asked it.
“Do you even have emotions?”
The believers who had devoted themselves faithfully to the Father and admired Abel just as fervently had asked it.
“Are you even breathing properly?”
Those who sought to use Abel as a stepping stone to power had asked it too.
No… To be honest, Abel couldn’t even remember who had said which words anymore.
Perhaps all of them had come from a single person.
Yes. For example…
‘Are you even really alive?’
Just as you once asked me, Felix.
“Felix.”
Stopping directly in front of him, Abel slowly raised his head.
There was something he had wanted to ask Felix for a very long time.
“Why do you hate me?”
There were countless reasons for Felix to dislike him.
Because he couldn’t do anything on his own.
Because, unlike Felix, he possessed extraordinary holy power.
Because he had been worshipped ever since before he was old enough to remember.
Because he never said thank you, even when others helped him.
Because he never ran, even in dangerous situations.
Because he never admitted when he needed someone.
Because Felix believed he pretended not to be affected by people’s persecution.
Because he never grieved, even while enduring the Father’s trials.
Because he stared at Felix.
Because he held on to Felix whenever he pleased.
Because he didn’t know Felix’s name.
Because he loved Felix.
But among all those reasons, there was only one Abel truly wanted to know.
The fundamental reason Felix hated him.
I only began to notice you because of your contradictions.
So what was it about me that first made you notice me?
Looking intently at Felix’s deathly pale face, Abel asked:
“Do you see me as your father?”
Is that why you’ve hated me all this time?
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