Chapter 116
But what could she do, having been born the daughter of a monster?
“Nike, did you have another bad dream?”
The gentle question of the blind man brushed her ear. At his words, her throat tightened, and her chest ached with every breath.
“…It was just a bothersome dream, nothing more.”
“How bad was it?”
Actor asked, refusing to take her answer. His arm encircled her, holding her close. Ever since Pherenike had kissed him first, he seemed to have lost any sense of restraint. He no longer feared being pushed away, no longer measured out his affection.
As all men do when blinded by love on the edge of their own ruin.
“…I’m not your little princess, Actor.”
How bad was the dream? The way he asked, as if trying to comfort a frightened child, almost made her laugh. Her own father had never asked her anything like that, not even when she was small and helpless.
She tried to push him away from her chest, but instead of letting go, his hand simply slid down to circle her waist.
“You are certainly not very cute.”
His solid body rumbled with a low laugh.
“Really, there isn’t an ounce of cuteness in you.”
“I know.”
“But every adorable thing Leuce does—she gets it all from you.”
“……”
“How bad was the dream, Nike?”
Actor hadn’t forgotten his question, and his lips brushed her ear as he asked again. Sometimes, almost without meaning to, he treated the queen the way he would treat his daughter. He would ask her questions the way he would a little girl.
Pherenike sighed silently, her gaze barren. She was the one who had drawn him back into her bed after so many years, the one who wanted to darken the world of this blind man even further. She’d wanted to see him foolishly lost in fleeting happiness, to keep watch over him right up to the bitter end…
Or maybe, in truth, she had simply wanted to pry him away from their daughter, even if only a little.
Because the child in her dream, who looked at her mother with horror and fled to her father for safety, had always frightened her.
She felt a ridiculous sense of defeat in the presence of this man, a shallow jealousy and envy that couldn’t be undone. Even if she could turn back time, she knew she would still look at her daughter with nothing but meager motherly instinct, always thinking of herself first.
Pherenike resembled the fathers of Evdokia who knew nothing of devotion, more than its so-called devoted mothers. Like those men, she never tried to reshape her life around her child’s birth.
When her daughter was before her, she loved her; when she wasn’t, she all but forgot she existed.
She had never loved her daughter as if by fate. She simply learned, slowly, how painfully sweet her presence could be. Even as a terrible mother, Leuce was hers. The goddess had placed her directly into her hands.
“…It was a very trivial nightmare.”
“……”
“A dream that means nothing once I’m awake. How foolish of me to fear it so.”
Giving up on leaving his arms, Pherenike rested her forehead on his shoulder and answered quietly. Even that slight weight made the king’s body go stiff, then awkwardly relax, as if he were a man who had never even dared lift the hem of her dress.
Actor Nikandros liked these simple things best. He was an easy man, really. More than overpowering a woman or climbing atop her, what pleased him was when a woman leaned against him and simply held his hand. It was almost pitiful.
“…Pherenike. In dreams, anyone can become a child again.”
“……”
“In your dream, you could be even smaller than a toddler, even more helpless than Leuce.”
“……”
“So don’t belittle the fear you felt in a dream. Dreams may be illusions, but what you felt was real.”
But if only you knew what that fear was…
“You are braver than any man who’s ever marched to war. If even you were frightened by something… well, others would have had no hope of enduring it.”
If Actor Nikandros could have glimpsed into her dreams, he would have wanted to cut out the tongue that tried to comfort her. If he saw their little girl fleeing her mother like a monster, he’d want to strangle the woman he was holding close.
The king saw Pherenike as his sun, but when he looked at Leuce, it was as if that tiny girl was his entire world.
“…I must have looked quite pathetic, having a nightmare like a child.”
She tried to push him away again. Even if he didn’t move, she pressed on. Unfazed, Actor brushed her lips with his and whispered,
“You didn’t look pathetic at all.”
“……”
“You just seemed so worn out.”
“I asked you not to comfort me as if I were your princess.”
“When I see Leuce, I see you.”
“……”
“When I look in your eyes, I see Leuce’s eyes. I know you and your daughter are not the same. I know you’ll never look at me the way she does…”
“……”
“And yet, I am always searching for you in Leuce, Nike.”
“……”
“No matter how cold your expression, I see all of Leuce’s light shining from you. That’s why I still haven’t built a wall between you and Leuce.”
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