Chapter 39
“……”
“The more you hate ‘the dirty thing’, the more I want to defile you.”
“……”
“So please don’t torment yourself anymore.”
Even as she unceremoniously touched herself between her legs, the woman’s noble face remained intact, but now her facade slightly crumbled.
And as she did, Actor’s expression grew more resolute.
“My question earlier was a bit misguided. Saying ‘still’ presupposes a certain future.”
“……”
“Do you ‘still’ not want a child?”
It was then she heard another heartbeat within her. Pherenike gasped for a moment.
No, it’s dreadful. The thought of their blood mingling, it makes her sick… A foolish truth. Pherenike didn’t utter a word.
But sometimes silence speaks volumes, and Actor slowly nodded.
“You may choose, Kybellaune.”
He distanced himself from his wife, as if encouraging those like the priests of the sanctuary to assert their rightful authority.
Choice. A choice.
“…..Even if it means killing your child?”
“The womb is yours.”
“Even though the goddess has arranged for your heir.”
“If you choose to have it, then it will become my child.”
“……”
“And if you choose not to, it will be as if it never existed in this world.”
Even if you wish it to disappear after birth, he added monotonously.
The heartbeat below her stomach grew stronger, like it pounded her stomach. The strange tumult resonated louder, echoing up from her chest to her head – the sound of life.
Pherenike realized she could still sense the close boundary between life and death while repeating someone’s name. But how could she know the name of an unborn child? The child was peculiar.
Without her saying it’s own name, it responded to it’s mother’s power.
“……Pherenike?”
Pherenike was now certain of the child’s presence within her. The child was already sending her a warning.
Don’t kill me.
It wasn’t a cry to live or a plea not to kill it. The child was just clearly warning.
Maybe this child was the one who changed Actor on their return journey. Perhaps the overwhelming feeling that stopped her from pushing him away came from this child.
Because she had this child, she wouldn’t hate him.
Pherenike gazed bewilderedly at the man’s face, as if a layer of his mask had been peeled away. Actor, who was crumbling in her gaze, whispered quietly as if unable to resist some impulse.
“You can do everything you wish, Pherenike.”
The formal address he used to show respect for her in front of others had become a habit, even when they were alone.
Thus, the moments when the formalities dropped and they reverted to the speech of their childhood were often their most intimate moments. When their bodies entwined, when skin met skin. Moments different from ordinary, special moments.
And like now, when he said she could even kill his child.
Pherenike realized it was like the blind devotion foolish men give to women – even to the extent of allowing the death of their own child.
In the forests returning to Lykke, he never acted like that towards her.
Witnessing Actor’s insane expressions became increasingly difficult for Pherenike day by day.
To anyone else, Actor always appeared perfectly composed, far from madness. But through Pherenike’s eyes, he seemed utterly deranged. Especially since the day she agreed to have his child.
Their conversation that day lacked any pretense of joy or glee. Her agreement to bear a child was delivered coldly, without a trace of warmth. It was almost indistinguishable from a declaration that she would kill someone.
Yet Actor looked at her as if he were in a dream.
Afterwards, things turned bizarre.
Occasionally, she caught himself staring at her stomach, and sometimes he tried to engage her in conversation in ways he never had before. She later realized these were his attempts to make her laugh. She had no way of knowing as his jokes fell flat. It was humorless even to himself.
Unbeknownst to her, he had failed his objective multiple times, his face expressionless.
In her opinion, Actor was the least tactful person, and she had always been a terrible conversationalist for him. His attempts seemed utterly pointless.
Pherenike was even dismayed to see him speak to her and to sense his frustration, flustering even for a moment. She was embarrassing him. She was making him struggle, like any other foolish man.
Finally, Actor admitted it. He had wanted to see her smile at least once and had continually failed.
“We’ve been getting along fairly well, haven’t we?”
“Yes, we have. Of course.”
“You shouldn’t have to do something so unlike you, things weren’t that bad between us.”
“I know.”
“Then why?”
“I thought if you smiled, the baby might smile too.”
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