Chapter 208
‧₊˚ ☁️⋅♡𓂃 ࣪ ִֶָ☾.
We had planned to leave at sunrise the next day, but we couldn’t.
“Ugh…”
“Does it hurt a lot?”
My period had come ten days early.
“I’ll give you more morphine.”
“No, it doesn’t hurt.”
We had to conserve the morphine. I didn’t know when or where it might be needed, and now it was something impossible to get anywhere else.
Until we crossed the front lines and reached a city where supplies were available, we had to be careful with it.
‘Looks like that day will be delayed by several more days.’
My body was tired, doing laundry was hard, and we were stuck here until my period ended.
“Sigh… this really isn’t the time for this…”
“Don’t sigh. Thanks to this, we at least got a chance to do laundry, so it’s not all bad.”
Though the delay was frustrating, Killian didn’t show any signs of worry and even joked that it was lucky we could catch up on our laundry.
“This gave you time for healing too.”
He sat at the foot of my bed and untied the bandages wrapped around my feet. Since I hadn’t walked much yesterday, they looked better than the day before, but to his eyes it was like flesh had been cut away. He applied ointment thickly and let out a long sigh.
“You told me not to sigh.”
He smiled sheepishly as he massaged my foot.
“It’s all for the best, but I guess I’m sad about the baby.”
“Ah…”
He sighed because the baby wouldn’t be able to come.
“When we cross the front lines back into our land, we’ll try again.”
“Is there any rush? We’ll get pregnant once we’re home. Then you can relax…”
I couldn’t finish my sentence. Killian’s expression seemed to show his anxiety.
‘Still? Was it really that shocking that I acted like I might abandon him at any time? Isn’t saying I want the child, that I want you, and calling your name enough?’
I searched for some way to soothe his fears, but every idea was the same—no great solution came to mind.
‘Why don’t I know anything about this?’
Feeling frustrated, my thoughts drifted to a question I had briefly considered the day before.
“Did I not get loved in the past?”
His hand paused as it massaged my foot. Killian’s eyes showed confusion and discomfort as he looked at me.
“Why would you think that?”
Because I enjoyed his anxiety as my own reassurance.
“I still know how to play the violin because my past self learned it, right?”
“That’s true.”
“I can play the violin, but I don’t think I know how to love. That must mean my past self never learned how to love.”
Isn’t love something you learn by being loved?
By my perfect logic, the answer was clear—but Killian gave no response, only sad and troubled eyes and a change of subject.
“Dana, I don’t think you don’t know how to love. That doesn’t make sense. You are love itself, just by existing.”
“Killian, you know you can’t lie to me anymore, right? Changing the subject is just another lie.”
When I used my last resort, he finally answered honestly.
“I heard your parents left you with your grandmother due to some circumstances. I don’t want to speak ill of your family, but…”
“Did my grandmother abuse me?”
Since he hesitated, I spoke for him, and Killian nodded.
‘So the memory of being slapped by my grandmother was real.’
That was another confirmed true memory.
“Dana.”
He must have thought my silence was from heartbreak. Killian cupped my face with both hands and made me look at him.
“It’s over now. And now I’m here by your side. No one will ever hurt you again. Never…”
As if reaffirming his resolve, he lowered his gaze. He was probably thinking about Major Felkner. I quickly changed the subject.
“I know. I just wanted to understand why I don’t know how to love. You must have a hard time with a woman who’s awkward with love.”
“Hard time? No. No matter how you love me, I’m grateful just that you love me.”
Is that really true?
“Even when I pretend not to love you to test your love?”
Like lately.
“That’s my fault for making you doubt.”
He looked down again, consumed by guilt. I pulled him close and kissed him.
“I won’t doubt anymore.”
Actually, it wasn’t that I doubted his love—I just wanted to see him, who was usually calm as a still lake, act like a stormy sea only with me.
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