Chapter 350
‧₊˚ ☁️⋅♡𓂃 ࣪ ִֶָ☾.
[…
If you truly can’t forget me, then remember me as a madman.
When, someday, you suddenly feel the loneliness of realizing that no one loves you, tell yourself this instead:
There was once a madman who loved me enough to try to drag me into hell.
Remember that, just once, and then keep walking your own path.
May the road you walk from here on bloom with nothing but luck and happiness.
Killian Ackroyd]
Before I read Killian’s letter, I felt like crying. After I read it, I wanted to die.
Just as I feared, it wasn’t a reply. It was a farewell note.
You’re going to die under false charges, and you expect me to stand by and watch?
Killian asked for understanding and respect. But I couldn’t understand him at all, nor did I want to respect his choice.
So I broke his final request and wrote another letter.
[Killian, you don’t have to feel sorry for trying to kill me.
To confess the truth, there was a moment when I wanted to kill you too.
I’m only saying this now, but when Felkner told me you were a spy, I planned to kill you and then myself, using the very gun you once planned to die with.
See? We’re the same.
You say you weren’t a good man. Then do you think I was a good woman?
So don’t feel sorry for me. The one who truly owes an apology is me.
I have time now too, and I’ve been looking back on the past.
When I was living as Rize Renner, I found that I’d made this vow while renewing my marriage vows with you. If God were to ask me to choose between my lost memories and you, I would choose you without hesitation.
I didn’t keep that promise. And it wasn’t the only one I broke. The real liar was me.
As I reflected on my selfish love, one thing you once said kept echoing in my mind.
In the end, the person we love most is ourselves.
I suppose that’s still true of me. Back then, and even now, when I stood at a crossroads, I chose myself first. Even while claiming I loved you.
I used love as an excuse to lean on you, and you accepted me without conditions because you loved me.
So it’s not unreasonable that you thought I didn’t love you, I only needed you.
I understand why you’re exhausted. Why you’re pushing me away.
I promise that won’t happen again. I will keep this promise. Truly. And if I ever try to break it again, tell me.
From now on, I’ll be the one you can lean on.
So… won’t you come back into my arms?
Even I can see how shameless I look, switching my attitude so easily, begging and clinging like this.
How must I look in your eyes?
You said you don’t resent me, but even so, I’m sure I must seem detestable. And even if you truly don’t hate me, it’s hard to believe.
I don’t remember it, but you already became my refuge once, only to be cast aside coldly. You returned anyway, supported me again, and were abandoned once more.
I understand why you don’t want to come back.
But even if you give up on me, please don’t give up on yourself.
You don’t have to give me another chance—just please stay alive.]
I sent the letter again through the lawyer, but this time, he wouldn’t even accept it.
“I think… he’s really angry with me…”
I refuse to accept the reality that his heart has already left me, so instead I turn him into a petty man in my mind.
“If he reads your letters, his resolve might waver, that’s probably why he’s refusing. Didn’t I tell you? He’s stubborn.”
Now, I could no longer deny it.
Killian is stubborn.
That unyielding stubbornness, he had bent it only for me. That’s why I never realized how strong it was.
All this time, I thought I was the one being led around by him. In truth, he’d spent his entire life being led by me, until it destroyed him.
Why won’t you yield to me now? Just this once, can’t you give in?
I stared at Killian’s final letter again and again, crying without end.
He told me to find a man who would always yield to me and now he refuses to yield at all.
As if I am no longer a woman to him.
‘Does that mean… you don’t love me anymore?’
Discussion
0 CommentsNo comments yet.