Chapter 6
I spent a long time eating soup at dinner. I even resisted eating the meat that was served.
My father didn’t care much about what I did or how I ate, so eating slowly wasn’t a problem. As long as I stayed at my place during mealtime, I wouldn’t upset my father.
At mealtimes, I was like a candlestick, merely an ornament that had to be in its place.
My mother always had to sit next to my father, and my eldest brother had to sit on his right side. My younger brother wasn’t allowed to sit at this table. This had been the rule for as long as I could remember.
My younger brother was born with a cleft palate, so he made loud smacking noises when he chewed his food, which my father couldn’t stand. I once heard that my father threw a fork at him for making those noises while eating.
Next to me was where my sister was supposed to sit, but her seat had been empty. My father had been visibly displeased by that empty seat for two whole months. No matter how many times it was explained, he would always get angry about why it was empty.
However, a year later, things had calmed down a bit. He still glanced at the empty seat and twitched his mustache occasionally, but it was quieter now.
I sat there like a marionette, not chewing anything but moving my mouth. That was enough. Just pretending to eat while sitting there prevented any problems.
I kept pretending to chew until my father finished his meal and got up.
“What are you doing?”
Only after my father left did my older brother look at me strangely and ask.
“Pretending to eat.”
“I mean, why are you sitting there acting like an idiot?”
Everyone acts like an idiot during mealtime.
I didn’t quite understand what my older brother meant. He, after all, would sit there doing nothing as if in silent protest while our father was present.
When I ignored my older brother’s words and continued to move my mouth, he quickly lost interest in me, as usual.
Only then did I begin to discreetly hide the meat under the table. I wrapped the meat in a rag I had taken earlier. I stuffed the wrapped meat into my undergarments, and thanks to the rag, it wasn’t too damp. It wouldn’t look like I had soiled myself or was menstruating.
Everything was done so covertly under the table that no one noticed my peculiar behavior.
The meat was heavier than bread, so I had to waddle awkwardly. Running would cause my undergarments to slip down, so I walked with my legs spread wide.
In that state, I walked to the dungeon of the annex. I almost ran into some maids carrying laundry, but I swiftly hid beside a cabinet and avoided detection.
“Desi, Desi.”
Clink, clink—
The sound of the metal bars seemed louder than during the day.
“Look, Desi. Meat.”
I spread my legs and awkwardly pulled out the meat, showing it to him with a triumphant smile. The savory smell of meat wafted from my hand. Desi opened his mouth and panted at the scent.
Although Desi looked human, his actions were like a stray dog, which made me feel at ease. He didn’t scold me or frown at my strange behavior.
Whenever I did something peculiar, my mother would panic and bring out the switch. Getting whipped by her would make my calves burn painfully.
On those nights, I would cry from the pain, and with my sister gone, I felt even more lonely. So, on the days my mother whipped me, I had to endure sorrowful and painful nights.
The maids would also scold me for a long time, and my etiquette teacher was the worst of all. The teacher was so relentless that in front of her, I had to become a puppet with no free will.
Even the rigid formality of mealtime was a hardship, but now it had to be that way every hour and every second. Life grew tougher with each passing year.
Desi swallowed the meat in one gulp and licked the rag with the meat juices, savoring the taste. Seeing him enjoy it made my effort feel worthwhile.
“Is it tasty, Desi? Should I bring more next time?”
Desi lifted his head quickly and his eyes sparkled. It was the first time he reacted to my words instead of ignoring me, and I was thrilled.
“Okay. Trust me, Desi.”
I was willing to give up meat for Desi. He was my only friend, even though he couldn’t speak.
One day, I hoped Desi would recognize my sacrifice. Giving up meat was no small feat.
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