Chapter 203
It was absurd. How could betrayal exist in a relationship with no trust to begin with? Yet here she was, experiencing that very impossibility.
Was it because I never saw him look at another woman?
Somehow, she had assumed he remained alone.
Even when she had desperately wished he would take a consort and leave her be, he had obsessively pursued only her. That monstrous fixation had made her believe, despite everything, that he was solitary. They shared no trust, much less the promise of a future—yet she had thought it.
She had expected that if he ever learned of her return to this world, he would suffocate her with that same possessiveness, clawing to reclaim her by any means.
‘An empress? Consorts? Lovers?’
The dazzling lineup left her dizzy, as if struck not once but repeatedly. She didn’t even know if the metaphor fit, but it felt like being rejected by a man who’d never loved her to begin with.
‘He should’ve done this from the start.’
You could have done this all along. If you were going to live like this anyway, why didn’t you when I was begging for it?
Why had he acted as if it had to be her—as if no one else would do? Why had he fixated on her to the point of obsession?
A surge of anger rose in her chest. The feeling of having been deceived made her blood boil. But logically, this was for the best. With so many women at his disposal, why would he cling to a single slave now?
She no longer had to fear the emperor.
She didn’t have to worry that her return to this world was his doing, that he might come for her, that the circumstances surrounding her were his design.
Naturally, the possibility of Rikanan being the emperor also vanished. A man with that many wives and children couldn’t possibly be here all the time. When would he even meet all those consorts and lovers?
In the end, it couldn’t have turned out better.
This was, by all accounts, a perfect happy ending.
‘Then why am I…?’
Jaha clenched her fists. Her entire hands trembled faintly.
‘I…’
Was she more shocked than relieved? Shocked that the emperor no longer wanted her?
She swore—not once had she ever welcomed his attention.
It had only ever suffocated and tormented her. There had been no joy in it, not even a speck.
She had prayed endlessly for this inexplicable obsession to shift to someone else, for her to finally be free.
Yes, this was the exact scenario she had longed for—a dream she’d had dozens, hundreds of times. Sweeter than any fantasy.
Yet now that it was reality, her stomach churned, and her emotions twisted strangely.
It was insane, but there was even a sense of… loss.
It was never mine. I never wanted it to be mine. So why?
How could she feel like she’d lost something she never had to begin with?
Am I mistaking relief for emptiness?
Am I mistaking liberation for a sense of loss?
Or is freedom supposed to feel this hollow in the first place?
Because I didn’t earn it through effort—because it just fell into my hands by chance—is that why there’s no joy, no happiness, only emptiness?
No, but people still celebrate when they win the lottery. Even though it’s unearned wealth. This isn’t that kind of problem. The emotional mechanism is different.
Jaha gnawed at her lips.
Maybe after wearing shackles for so long, they became the default setting. Now that they’re gone, it feels strange, like she’s lost something familiar. It wasn’t about whether she liked the shackles—it was just inertia.
‘A temporary abnormality, then.’
If that were the case, all she could do was wait for time to untangle this warped sensation. It wouldn’t take long. She had lived far more years without shackles than with them.
Finding a plausible reason brought a wave of relief.
‘Right. I’m not in my right mind right now. That’s why I’m having these absurd thoughts.’
She should be cheering in joy, but instead—betrayal? Loss? Emptiness? Her thought circuits were completely fried.
With a scoff, Jaha irritably shoved the books into the drawer.
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