Chapter 237
“…Love.”
After that, Kazhan lost himself in thought whenever he was alone.
What, truly, is love?
Even as he accepted that he loved Ysaris, the question gnawed at him—because every book defined it differently.
Some called it the desire to entwine bodies. Others, the urge to cherish someone above all. Some claimed it was sacrifice, others, a mere physical reaction to beauty.
Yet the descriptions were eerily similar, a pounding heart when near, the ache to hold them, the craving to stay by their side forever.
By every measure, what Kazhan felt for Ysaris was love. But it bore no resemblance to the only ‘love’ he’d ever known—and that left him adrift.
“My son, when you become Emperor, you must repay your mother’s devotion. Understand? I will make you Emperor!”
As a child, Kazhan had feared the Fourth Consort’s ‘love’. While others in the Uzephian court tormented him indirectly, her cruelty was intimate. She beat him raw in the name of love, and so he’d grown to despise the very word.
‘And yet—I love Ysaris. A woman so radiant, heaven itself seemed to bow to her.’
He wavered. For days, he avoided her, terrified he might taint her somehow.
“Cain, I need you. There’s business in the outer district—if you’re busy, I’ll just take my personal guard—”
“Let’s go. Together.”
…Worry for Ysaris had overruled his fears, as always.
His turmoil only deepened. With no one to confide in, he stewed in silence—until fate handed him an opening.
“So romantic, don’t you think?”
The play they’d attended centered on love. A perfect chance to probe without suspicion.
“Ysaa—what do you think love is?”
“Love?”
“Yes. Your definition.”
He studied her, the way her eyes darted in surprise, the flush when their gazes met. His pulse stuttered.
“Hmm… Warmth that needs no words, perhaps?”
“Warmth that needs no words?”
She laughed as he parroted her, composure regained.
“Nobility teaches you words are worthless. Anyone can lie—we decorate our true selves. So love must be judged by actions.”
“Actions.”
He echoed.
“Yes. A man who claims to love his wife yet hurts her? That’s false. True love nurtures. The act proves the feeling.”
‘A revelation. My mother never loved me.’
It didn’t shock him. Some part of him had always known.
Nodding, he pressed further.
“What actions show love, then?”
“Well…”
She fidgeted, deliberating.
“Gifts they’d like, aid when needed… Though I think small, daily kindnesses speak loudest. Just—being there. In joy or sorrow.”
Kazhan nodded again. Still abstract, but he grasped the shape of it.
“I see. Thank you.”
“Of course… Let’s head back, Cain.”
“Yes, Ysaa.”
He missed the flicker of unease in her eyes as she turned away. All that remained in his mind was one truth.
‘I am not yet worthy to call this love.’
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