Chapter 49
“Why, why….”
Ysaris hesitated and drew back her hand, then gritted her teeth.
Ignoring the trembling in her entire body, she forcibly tightened her grip around Kazhan’s neck.
‘I have to kill him. Now.’
It was an action taken with that resolve from the start.
Having already started, she had to see it through to the end.
But….
“Y…saa.”
‘Why do you, without even resisting, touch me with that endlessly longing face?’
‘What am I to you?’
‘Despising me so much, yet calling out to me with a faint smile even in the agony of dying.’
“Ysaa….”
“I told you not to call me that!!”
Ysaris shouted, her emotions tangled beyond description.
Kazhan’s incomprehensible words and actions stirred not just anger, but even fear in her.
‘Why are you doing this? Why to me?’
Ysaris’s breathing became shorter.
Her hands trembled so much that she couldn’t apply proper strength.
The decisive reason she could resolve to murder was that he didn’t see her as a person.
Trophy, toy, doll…. Having been treated that way, Ysaris could only see Kazhan as a tyrant.
A man who would kill her and her child.
Not a husband, not a savior, but an enemy deserving death.
But look. See what he’s doing now.
A smile never seen before. Eyes never seen before. A voice never heard before.
If he was plotting survival with a body that could barely move, it was a cunning act so calculated it was chilling.
Because it properly pricked the conscience of a woman who had lived her life righteously.
“…The worst.”
Ysaris realized belatedly that the small murmured voice was hers. It was that unconscious statement, and it was genuine.
“You really are, the worst.”
Whatever she said with her face twisted in defeat, it didn’t reach Kazhan.
His breath was a little freer, but still in a hazy state of mind, he touched Ysaris’s cheek and struggled to speak.
“That’s right.”
Ysaris paused at the unexpected formality. She had already realized he wasn’t in his right mind, but this was excessive.
“Do you even understand what I’m saying right now?”
“Your words….”
“You’re not just agreeing with me blindly, without even hearing me, right?”
“Yes, Ysaa….”
“…Is all this just to mock me?”
“Ysaa….”
It was not a conversation, but an exchange of one-sided monologue and calls. Realizing this, Ysaris let out a sigh.
A nauseating mix of tangled irritation and emptiness surged up and then subsided. Feeling lost as to what she was doing now, she blankly cast her gaze outside the hideout.
The moon shone brightly through the leaves and vines. Despite her complicated feelings, seeing the clear sky brought other thoughts creeping in.
Could it be that there was some situation involving a woman named Ysaa? Perhaps the name of a deceased former lover was Ysaa.
“…That could be.”
People say there’s always at least one person in the world who resembles another, so he might be confusing me with her.
The hypothesis that suddenly came to Ysaris felt quite plausible. When she pieced together the situation based on this new guess, many parts that were previously incomprehensible began to make sense.
‘Taking me in as Empress out of the blue. Despising me but cherishing my body terribly. Obsessing over me despite having concubines. Never calling my name usually. And now, unable to distinguish things properly, calling me Ysaa and treating me differently.’
“That’s it.”
‘So that’s why he…’
Ysaris faced Kazhan, who looked up at her faintly. Given his high fever, it wasn’t surprising he was confusing people.
Or perhaps, he considered it a dream of seeing a deceased woman.
“You did have a pure heart after all.”
She couldn’t distinguish the emotions in her voice. It seemed dry, yet feelings tangled inside her clung and surfaced.
Surprise. Anger. Injustice. Emptiness. Resentment. Fatigue. Unable to tell which was predominant, she mumbled damply.
“I should have killed you long ago. Long ago….”
“…Ysaa.”
Ysaris didn’t respond to Kazhan’s call. She was too mentally and physically exhausted. It felt like the fatigue of an overly long and difficult day was hitting her all at once.
Awooooo….
Even as she heard the distant howling of beasts, she didn’t feel a sense of crisis. In her dulled senses, she exchanged a muddled look with Kazhan.
Red eyes.
Thinking back, she too occasionally had moments of confusion. It was because of those extremely rare red eyes.
When he held her or showed his obsessive behavior, she often defensively thought of Cain. She overlaid her dead lover onto her husband to protect her sanity.
Yet, the final thought that always came to her was singular.
If it had been Cain instead of Kazhan, it wouldn’t have been this miserable.
How different could the same colored eyes be?
“I hate you.”
Ysaris muttered the words she had already said several times today. Her voice, exhausted and cracking, was full of weariness.
“But if I kill you now, it would be doing you a favor. You would meet her.”
Ysaris was certain that Kazhan’s woman was dead. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have taken her in as Empress. There was no other reason for him to despise her so much yet refuse to let her go.
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