Chapter 110
“Cairn, stop trying to fix everything with your body.”
If she were being honest, making up physically wasn’t exactly unpleasant… but that was mostly Lilien’s preferred method. Right now, what they needed was a conversation.
“So Lili’s feelings were hurt. You were upset because I barged in while you were having your private time. I’m sorry. I’ll be more careful from now on.”
“Don’t talk to me like I’m a child.”
“When did I treat you like one?”
“Just now!”
“Lilien, how could I do that sort of thing with a child?”
“That sort of thing? What sort of thing?”
“In your bedroom, on your bed, the many times we—”
Lilien quickly glanced around and covered a hand over his mouth.
“Don’t say it!”
At that exact moment, her stomach let out an embarrassingly loud growl. Cairn chuckled and tightened the arm supporting her waist.
“Let’s stop fighting and go eat, grown madam.”
Every time he acted magnanimous like that, Lilien felt even smaller than she already was. She hated how petty she seemed in comparison, and that only made her angrier at herself.
“Lilien, don’t you have anything to say to me?”
Merciful Cairn was giving her a chance to behave like a proper adult. Even if she wasn’t naturally gifted in grace, Lilien knew how to value an opportunity.
“…Cairn, I’m sorry too. I was being sensitive. From now on, if you knock, I’ll answer right away.”
“My wife is so kind-hearted.”
Cairn smiled brightly, as though he’d just granted her some grand forgiveness.
“Let’s stop fighting and get along.”
“Okay. I’ll try.”
As he carried her down the stairs, her body bounced lightly in his arms.
Something echoed deep in her chest. She couldn’t tell whether it was just the motion of her body or her heart beating too fast.
In that fleeting moment, Lilien felt as though she were standing before a long, dark tunnel.
If she took just a few more steps forward, she might uncover the source of this unfamiliar emotion. But the darkness frightened her, and she turned away. She didn’t want to know the origin of that strange warmth just yet.
She wanted to grow closer to Cairn, yet she was also afraid of the wall between them disappearing entirely. She decided that the root of that contradiction was something she would examine slowly, over time.
* * *
Because the scale of emotion was tilted to one side, it was Cairn who had to keep making the effort.
He didn’t want to burden Lilien.
Even after binding her to him in marriage, the fact that he still had to tread carefully with his expressions of affection felt oddly pathetic.
“When someone says they like me, it feels like a burden.”
“…Why?”
“I don’t even know what ‘liking’ really is, but they say they like me… and I can’t return those feelings. Sometimes I don’t even understand my own emotions.”
“Isn’t it enough to accept it as something to be grateful for?”
“No. I don’t want that. If I accept it, they’ll expect something in return. If someone tries to force affection on me, I’ll run.”
He had once been rejected before even confessing.
‘A burden.’
Cairn didn’t want to place that heavy emotion on Lilien. Now that she could no longer meet another man anyway, he tried to be content with the idea that she could live comfortably in his arms.
And yet, from time to time, a selfish desire to win Lilien’s heart surfaced.
For now, he could still restrain himself.
But suppressing emotions that threatened to overflow left a bitter taste in his mouth.
Cairn drew the curtains—curtains he had always kept open just to catch a glimpse of Lilien—then dropped heavily onto the sofa and lit a cigarette. He inhaled deeply, the acrid smoke filling his lungs.
At that moment, an uninvited guest flung the door open.
He slowly turned his head toward the intrusion.
“Cai… rn?”
Lilien stood frozen in place, clutching a white handkerchief. Cairn was just as startled, forgetting even to exhale the smoke.
“You… you were a smoker? Since when?”
His long-hidden habit had been exposed by Lilien’s unannounced entrance.
Staring at him, Lilien exaggeratedly coughed.
“Cough—”
Only then did he hastily stub out the cigarette in the silver ashtray.
Before Cairn could speak, Lilien did.
“Why did you lie to me all this time?”
She deliberately kept her distance and sat at the far end of the sofa.
‘Because I was afraid you’d dislike me.’
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