Chapter 55
Cairn moved closer to Lilien. The angle put her face uncomfortably close to the spot she’d seen and been embarrassed by the night before, so she awkwardly turned her head away.
The mirror caught her cheeks, tinged with pink.
“According to Christian, sometimes the body and the mind don’t react the same way. Like… even if someone’s body responds perfectly normally, they might not actually want to have s*x emotionally. That’s… well, that’s a real thing.”
The truth was, Lilien had always found Cairn a bit odd.
“And, I mean, I don’t think that’s weird at all.”
Even if the most beautiful woman in Baltan came up to him, Cairn always seemed uninterested—and he’d never liked kissing her, either. And then last night… even with his arousal so obvious, he hadn’t pushed her.
Just one word about it being hurt and he’d backed off right away.
She remembered what she’d read: ‘A man’s desire isn’t a matter of willpower. Once intimacy begins, a woman must simply endure any discomfort and accept everything.’ Because of that, she’d already made a determination to continue if Cairn tried again after the initial pain.
Instead, he’d held her back from even touching him.
‘Why? You don’t like it when I touch you?’
‘Yeah. I don’t.’
The memory of grabbing him out of pure curiosity at the way it spurts liquid like a sea cucumber out on land, only to be rejected, flashed through her mind, making her embarrassed all over again.
Every book said that when a man was swollen and ready, he’d love to be touched… so why had Cairn refused?
She thought back to the time she’d kissed him in the garden and he’d looked so uncomfortable, even as he asked for a kiss.
Only now did she start to understand: Cairn had probably wanted to figure out his own sexuality—and when kissing her sparked no desire, he must have been convinced.
He was just different from other men, who had high desire.
Her theory fit so well it gave her goosebumps.
“I just worried you might be suffering on your own.”
“How did you come to such a strange conclusion?”
“You can tell me, you know. It’s okay.”
“No, Lilien, really. No.”
Cairn dropped to one knee and ruffled his hair, looking frustrated.
“Or… maybe you like men?”
He gave a dry, almost bitter laugh, the muscles of his chest flexing under his robe.
“Maybe I do. Does that disgust you?”
While Lilien was lost in wild speculation, Cairn just blurted out whatever, at this point not even caring what he said. He didn’t explicitly deny it, but as he watched her face for any sign of disgust, he worried maybe he’d gone too far.
Was that too much? Does she think he’s disgusting now?
“That must have been hard for you.”
Lilien murmured out of nowhere.
“What?”
“It must have been difficult, feeling so different from everyone else. That alone is a lot to carry.”
So lost in her own theory, Lilien missed all of Cairn’s nonverbal reactions.
“It’s not that.”
“Really?”
“I said it’s not.”
Cairn replied, closing his eyes and letting out a deep sigh. He usually liked her wild imagination, but today, not so much.
“All right. If you say so.”
But her tone suggested she still wasn’t entirely convinced.
“You don’t believe me, do you?”
“I do.”
Lilien wouldn’t meet his eyes, instead fussing with her hair—a telltale sign she wasn’t telling the truth. Cairn realized there was now a massive misunderstanding between them and let out a frustrated breath.
Absent-mindedly, Lilien reached out and ran her fingers through his soft black hair.
“Cairn, my throat hurts. When I drank that brandy last night, it burned—do you think something’s wrong?”
The whiplash of her conversation left Cairn feeling dizzy.
* * *
The Grand Duke and Duchess strolled hand in hand along the castle walls.
After noon, the tall granite outer wall cast a deep shadow, so even in the sweltering summer, they could enjoy a cool breeze as they walked.
“He must have gone to Lilien last night, don’t you think?”
“There’s nothing more exhausting and pointless than worrying about a grown son, Eloise.”
Cairn wasn’t just grown—he was built twice as large as most people. If anything, Philian worried more about little Lilien than about Cairn himself.
“I heard there was a heavy rain last night…”
“If there had been hail instead, he still would have found a way to get to her.”
Eloise let out a deep sigh of agreement.
“It’s not that I dislike Lilien. There isn’t a more lovable or kind-hearted girl out there.”
“I know. You’re only worried because she’s so delicate. That’s why you worry about Cairn too.”
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