Becoming the Guide of the Mysophobic Villain? Absolutely Not! - Chapter 338

Maybe this isn’t all that terrible after all. Everyone else says they’re struggling too. But they all seem to find ways to compromise and live with it. Is the problem that I’m the only one who clings to unrealistic dreams like an idealist, like a child?

I talked back to my mom and got beaten by her boyfriend. I refused a sponsorship offer and got fired by my boss. Then, after briefly losing focus, I wasted half of my hard-earned day’s wages on taxi fare.

A man who was once my lover cursed me, saying I’d live my whole life without being loved. And all I did was my job, only to be told, You’ll end up like that person if you keep this up.

But still…

They say thousands of people starve to death every day in third-world countries. Maybe I shouldn’t be complaining about just this much.

But…

I’m lonely when I’m alone, and even lonelier when I’m with someone. Even when I work myself to exhaustion, the money I save makes me feel guilty for even buying a convenience store meal. To others, I’m just someone they look at and think, ‘I’ll never live like that.’

I thought things would change if I did well in school, if I went to college, if I had a relationship, if I worked a part-time job to earn money. I kept telling myself things would change, but in the end, it was all the same. It was like trying to fill a broken jar, with the water just leaking out.

When I was younger, at least I had the expectation that tomorrow would be different, but now, even that’s gone. I’m strangely certain that tomorrow will be no different from today.

Today, I’m exhausted. I have no expectations for tomorrow.

There’s no one I can rely on. I’m afraid of death, but the thought of continuing to live makes me feel like I can’t breathe.

And then…

〈Hey, you there…! Watch out!〉

I couldn’t see clearly because of the bright light and the tears in my eyes. It was probably a car that had jumped the curb due to drunk driving. In that moment, I didn’t think to move out of the way. I was already too tired at the time.

But soon after, I regretted it.

It hurts, it hurts, it hurts.

The truth is, I didn’t want to die at all. I wanted to live.

If only I had a place to stand. Even if it was just the size of a tiny room, as long as I had a space where I could comfortably place my feet, just that much, I would never have made such a foolish choice.

I didn’t ask for much. I only wanted that, so why…

And then, I suddenly opened my eyes.

***

It was the deep hours of the night, making it hard to tell the time. It took a moment for my eyes to adjust to the darkness.

It was an unfamiliar space. I was lying in bed, with soft moonlight shining through a distant window.

And next to me, sitting on a small chair, he was there.

He was asleep. Holding my hand, awkwardly sprawled over the bed where I lay.

His hand felt unusually large. Much larger than the hand of my mom’s boyfriend who had hit me. But rather than feeling afraid…

I tried to move carefully, but it was difficult because my leg was in a cast. In the end, I could only turn my body slightly, lying awkwardly on my side.

Tears streamed down my face.

I should have listened to you. It must have been hard to find me.

I was scared. You said I wouldn’t be able to endure the harsh battlefield because I was so fearful, but I’m even more afraid of something else.

I’ve never had anything as precious as you. Now you’ve become such a huge reason for my life.

I can’t even imagine a life without you anymore, so if anything, I’d rather die with you than let you go and be left alone forever. That’s what I fear the most.

Tears kept falling down my cheek, which was pressed against the pillow. As always, my nose ran even more, soaking the pillow completely, but I still tried to keep quiet. There were tissues within reach if I let go of his hand, but I gave up on that too.

I want to look you in the eyes properly after such a long time and have a conversation. I want to ask you to hold me, to cuddle like a child, but I’ll wait quietly. I don’t want to wake you.

Waiting for your peace to continue, even while you sleep, is the way I love you.