Campus Log - Chapter 21

Ryu Eun-seok got into the car and passed his bag to the back seat. His solid forearm stretched between the driver’s and passenger’s seats. At the same time, a scent I had never noticed before hit my nose sharply. He must have lightly sprayed perfume, mixed with the smell of wet grass.

“Give me your bag too.”

Ryu Eun-seok reached for the backpack resting on my lap. I tightened my grip and held the bag close.

“It’s fine.”

In unfamiliar situations, having something pressing against my lap gave me a sense of stability. Especially for hiding fidgeting fingers, nothing was more useful than a bag.

Ryu Eun-seok soon gave up and entered the destination into the GPS. His wrists, bony under the shirt cuffs, and the knuckles of his thick fingers caught my attention.

I quietly stared at the back of his hand, where blue veins stood out clearly, then absentmindedly rubbed my hand under the bag. It felt smooth, with nothing catching.

“It’s been a long time since I last came here.”

Until then, my eyes had been drawn to his hand turning the steering wheel to the left.

“The last time I went was after the college entrance exam with some friends. I was so excited I didn’t even notice how cold it was.”

His left hand held the wheel lightly, while his right elbow rested on the center console.

Seeing him so relaxed, I figured I didn’t need to worry about him driving in the rain.

“What did you do after your exams?”

My eyes moved up a beat late to Ryu Eun-seok’s face. Outside of school, his car skillfully weaved through the lines of traffic.

“I had a buffet.”
“With who?”
“With my parents.”

When he glanced sideways, I tried to find a trace of pity in his eyes as they flicked toward me. I braced myself to snap if he muttered something like, So you didn’t hang out with friends even on a day like this.

“Sounds delicious.”

But Ryu Eun-seok just smiled faintly. Even in his profile as he drove straight ahead, there was no hint of disdain or mockery.

It was then I confronted my own inferiority.

I envied Ryu Eun-seok.

He had, from birth, a few advantages that made life easier, the composure to treat everyone kindly and fairly, and he didn’t need to justify preferring solitude with a dozen excuses.

“Have you ever felt uncomfortable for not having friends?”

I denied it to Ryu Eun-seok, but the truth was, being alone came with plenty of inconveniences.

I only found out about applying for a cabinet in the department office after the deadline had passed, and I had never even glanced at old exam papers.

Running into classmates I had briefly hung out with as a freshman but drifted apart from was awkward, and when friends I’d gotten close to on a retreat chatted excitedly, I’d deliberately turn up the volume on my earbuds.

During the changing seasons, lying alone in the dorm bed with a cold felt very lonely. Even when I nonchalantly told my mom that I was fine after visiting the hospital, inside I wanted to go home and whine, holding it all back.

“Teach me how to go to school alone.”

So, when Ryu Eun-seok pleaded with tears, I secretly felt a sense of superiority.

See, life is for one person. Even the popular Ryu Eun-seok ended up alone. I wasn’t wrong.

I struggled to prove that I was okay, but Ryu Eun-seok didn’t need to. He simply didn’t understand the life of an outsider, but he didn’t look down on it.

Even his straightforward answers, unentangled, displayed that ease—and I envied it.

“The traffic’s not too bad. I hope there aren’t many people. So we can see the pandas comfortably.”

Ryu Eun-seok gestured with his fingers as he merged onto the highway. Skipping class on a rainy day to go to an amusement park seemed to have him excited. Watching the anticipation on his face made the corners of my mouth twitch in response.

I admitted to myself honestly that this car wasn’t uncomfortable and that being accompanied by Ryu Eun-seok wasn’t unpleasant.

Even on a rainy day, Panda World was crowded with visitors. After waiting about twenty minutes, Ryu Eun-seok and I were able to enter.

“Are those twins? Or triplets?”

Ryu Eun-seok tilted his head as he looked at the pandas sprawled in various spots, napping.

“That one’s the mother panda.”

I pointed to a panda lying on its back on the deck.

“And those are the twins.”

The ones sprawled across the branches were now nearly as big as the mother panda, making it easy to get confused.

Ryu Eun-seok used his tall height to take photos easily with his phone, while I squeezed through the crowd, trying to take in the pandas beyond the glass wall with my eyes.