Campus Log - Chapter 23

“Uh, so… pandas go into heat every year, but when the mother panda is raising cubs like that, she can’t breed.”

My speech picked up speed. I grew impatient, thinking I needed to comfort the dejected Ryu Eun-seok with whatever knowledge I had.

“So then he has to control all that on his own, and he has to endure it for a few years, so, um—well, probably during that time he’s lonely and it’s hard.”

Only after finishing did it hit me how embarrassing the topic was. Comparing Ryu Eun-seok’s complicated situation to a wild animal struggling through its mating cycle.

But comfort that hadn’t been properly thought through had already spilled out of my mouth like water, and now the only thing I could do was quietly shut up.

“Really?”

When I lifted my gaze slightly over the brim of my hood, I saw the corners of Ryu Eun-seok’s mouth loosened.

“He looks really happy right now, but I guess everyone’s got their own circumstances.”

The low voice that had carried loneliness before now held a sense of relief.

“Honestly, it’s kind of cowardly of me, but hearing what you just said made me feel better.”

I pushed back the hood of my raincoat and looked up at him, and Ryu Eun-seok’s face was fully revealed.

Damp bangs, clear eyes that stood out even beneath a sky heavy with rain clouds, a straight, well-defined bridge of a nose, and lips touched with a hint of a smile. Just like when I looked at the pandas, my gaze wandered restlessly over his face.

“Maybe this is why people say animals are better than humans. That guy won’t be thinking things like this while looking at me.”

The man who revealed his unadorned thoughts smiled brightly, his eyes curving. That face didn’t look pitiful at all.

Once again, I found myself envying Ryu Eun-seok.

After finishing the original goal of five total viewings, my legs were trembling. But there was still one course left. I had to buy the newly released stickers at the souvenir shop.

I picked one of each type and walked toward the counter. Ryu Eun-seok had already finished paying for something of his own.

“Here.”

As I finished my payment and stepped out of the line, Ryu Eun-seok held out a panda doll key ring holding a bunch of canola flowers.

“A gift.”

“…Huh?”

Caught off guard, I could only blink at him blankly.

“Because thanks to Hong Sang-hee, I got to see the pandas properly today.”

But Ryu Eun-seok was the one who drove, and we each bought our own tickets to get in. I hadn’t done anything for him. If anything, I’d made him skip a meal and wait in the rain.

On top of that, I already had the same doll. I couldn’t bring myself to hang it on my bag because it felt too precious, so it just sat neatly enshrined on my dorm desk.

“Don’t refuse it. You helped me.”

“Me?”

I still didn’t understand.

“And there was that thing before… that I was sorry about.”

I had only offered cheap sympathy to Ryu Eun-seok when he was whining. It wasn’t because I was kind, and it wasn’t because I had time to spare. It was a clumsy show of generosity born from the thought that I held the upper hand over someone who had always seemed superior in every way.

And then, when he started to rub me the wrong way even a little, I’d turned away without hesitation. It would be a lie to say I felt nothing when I saw him floundering as he apologized to me.

Once I realized that the one who stood to lose wasn’t me but Ryu Eun-seok, my head lifted stiffly with a smug sense of satisfaction.

Maybe that’s why I never made friends. In a heart stuffed full of impure things, there was no space for the word friendship to wedge its way in.

I took the key ring Ryu Eun-seok had bought. Since I now had a second identical one, I should hang this one on my bag and carry it around.

“…Thank you.”

Clutching the doll tightly, I thanked him in a small voice that was barely audible. Ryu Eun-seok, who had no idea about the pitch-black thoughts swirling inside me, set off with a satisfied expression.

“Now let’s go eat. I’m hungry.”