Don’t Be Holy! - Chapter 189

A gentle reproach settled between the heavy air.

Eir stared quietly at Rubel, feeling anxious as if her breath might be choked off at any moment. She could feel his gaze tracing her face and slowly descending to her lips.

“Why aren’t you answering? You must have been quite comfortable?”

“That’s not possible!”

“Then tell me.”

“What? What should I say?”

When she squandered the opportunity he’d given her, one of Rubel’s eyebrows rose slightly.

What? she says. Was she just going to repeat whatever he told her like a parrot? Does this woman have no brain, or no heart? Does she have nothing at all to say to him?

“Are you joking?”

“Eh?”

“Do you have so little to say to me? Did you miss me at all?”

Eir’s face reddened at his blatant demand for affection.

Of course she had missed him.

During her most frightening moments, she had wondered countless times if Rubel would come, if he would appear through that door with light and end all of this.

But even amid such thoughts, Eir couldn’t be certain whether she was allowed to truly miss him, or what kind of relationship they even had.

When everything Rubel believed was an illusion, how could she judge whether they were in a relationship where they could rely on each other and rightfully miss one another?

“I…….”

While she was struggling to organize her complicated thoughts, just opening and closing her mouth, Rubel finally couldn’t hold back and bit down hard on Eir’s shoulder.

“Ah!”

Though he had bitten her occasionally during their intimate moments, this time he bit so hard it actually hurt, causing her to involuntarily cry out. As the startled Eir gasped and winced in pain, Rubel soothed the skin where his teeth had left marks by licking it.

The Central Temple maintained a cool temperature year-round, and the prayer room was especially cold. Yet the spot where he had licked burned as if scalded. Eir clutched Rubel’s clothes and turned her head away from him, but he only sank his teeth into a higher spot.

“It hurts!”

What had she done wrong for him to torment her like this the moment they met?

He was being more arbitrary than usual. He had never been an easy person to understand, but today she especially couldn’t read his thoughts.

“Bear with it. I’m doing this so it will hurt.”

Rubel continued to torment Eir mercilessly until exactly three bite marks remained. Finding it absurd and hurtful that he would bite her painfully enough to make her moan just because her answer had been slightly delayed, Eir’s eyes unconsciously welled up with tears.

“Are you crying?”

Rubel raised his head and asked in disbelief as he looked at her face. Eir raised her hand to push against his chest as she protested.

“What did I do wrong to deserve this? It hurts, you know. It really hurts. After all I’ve been through, and you don’t even know…….”

Once the tears started, they couldn’t be stopped. Having endured so much, only to be tormented rather than understood by Rubel, Eir poured out her own grievances. Rubel wiped her tears with his rough, calloused hands and kissed the uninjured side of her cheek.

“I’m sorry. Don’t cry.”

“If you’re sorry, why did you do it in the first place?”

“Because I resent you.”

“But why would you…….”

Sobs permeated between Eir’s words. She gasped for breath and her shoulders trembled. Only after seeing her crying face did Rubel feel the pointed resentment toward her subsiding, and he licked her tear-stained eyes.

“I know. I know you didn’t do anything wrong. But I still resent you. You tormented me for so long, yet you seemed perfectly fine. You have no idea what terrible things I imagined while I was left alone. That’s why.”

“That’s petty and mean. Is that appropriate for someone who serves God?”

Eir’s voice became clearer as her crying subsided somewhat. Rubel laughed without answering her question.

Partly it was in response to her words, but also because the label she attached to his terribly complex feelings seemed so inadequate.

Because of her, Rubel had wanted to die, and because of her, he had wanted to live. And with Eir before him, all his raw emotions turned toward her like a pack of starving dogs. Only she was hateful, only she was lovable, and only she was the owner of all these emotions.

In a way, Rubel was pouring everything onto Eir as if he were a devoted believer. Love and affection, anxiety and resentment.