Chapter 48
The bold spirit with which I had run away just a few days earlier now felt meaningless, and suddenly the future seemed hopeless. My ambition to start a new life in another country shriveled up like a deflated balloon. At any rate, without money, none of my plans were possible.
“The pouch of gold coins the young master gave me… I should’ve brought it.”
With no idea how I was going to survive, I began to regret everything. But I soon shook my head. Even if I had brought it, it would’ve just ended up filling a pickpocket’s belly.
“Haah… First, I need to find a place to sleep.”
On the way here, I’d slept in the forest, but if I tried that in the city, I’d be treated like a beggar or end up in trouble.
For some reason, everything seemed to be a mess right from the start, which put me in a foul mood, but what could I do? When luck isn’t on your side, even if you fall backwards, you’ll still break your nose. All I could do was deal with the immediate problems and look for a way to get on a ship.
* * *
In the end, I ended up working for a while as a waitress at a small, shabby inn on the outskirts of the city. There weren’t many places that would hire a common woman with no letter of recommendation, but at least the inn provided room and board.
It was a far cry from my original plan, but for now, I decided to work here and diligently save up for the fare once again.
Losing all the money I’d saved over a lifetime in an instant was so unfair that I cried myself to sleep every night, but if I thought of it as the price I had to pay for deceiving Claude, it became a little easier to bear.
I couldn’t rule out the possibility that the Duke’s men might come looking for me.
If that happened and I was killed on the spot… well, there was nothing I could do about it.
I had run away with only the will to survive, but another part of me was weighed down by the emptiness of not knowing what the point of this kind of life even was.
It was a strange thing. I’d wanted so badly to live. My life had meant so much to me that I’d even abandoned the young master I cared for, just to escape. But now that I thought I would never see Claude again, I couldn’t find the will to do anything.
If someone called me shameless for leaving after all that, I’d have nothing to say in my defense.
Still, this was my one sincere feeling among all the lies.
It was more of an excuse, but there really was a reason why I didn’t want to die. More than my own worthless life, what I wanted most was for Claude to be happy.
‘This marriage isn’t a bad thing for Claude, either. As soon as he forges a connection with the Swinden family, the Clausewitz house will be recognized as a proud family under the sun. He must be sick and tired of being the Emperor’s hunting dog by now.’
What made me tempted by the Duke’s proposal was nothing else but that point. If things went as the Duke said, then after marrying Ducal Lady Swinden, Claude wouldn’t have to stain his hands with blood any longer.
A life of rolling around with a maid, forced to commit murders he didn’t want, or a life of comfort married to a noblewoman. If I had to choose one of these two options for him, the answer was obvious.
The moment I realized that, I began preparing to leave the mansion without hesitation.
It would be a lie to say I didn’t have any regrets. More than anything… I missed him terribly. I was also curious and worried about how he would react after I left.
How did he feel about the maid who vanished after telling nothing but lies?
Was he angry and offended? Or so disappointed that he never wanted to see me again? Maybe he missed me a little? Or maybe, disgusted by my ingratitude, he’d completely lost all feelings and never thought of me at all.
Maybe that would be better. Rather than longing for me and being sad, it would be better for him to just hate me.
Thinking of you hating me makes me a little sad, but even so, it was fine.
If, while I’m still alive, I could just hear a snippet on the wind that you’re living happily somewhere…
From now on, the rest of my life will be nothing more than a journey to catch even a trace of such a rumor.
If I can endure this wretched life and all its humiliations, just to hear that you’re doing well…
Then, and only then, could I finally give up on life with peace in my heart.
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