Chapter 59
The man quietly looked at her face, then showed a sorrowful expression.
“Don’t say that.”
His voice sounded as though he had realized with certainty that Lynette’s words contained not a shred of falsehood.
He slowly reached out his hand. Just before it could touch her cheek, it halted in place.
Her heart ached at the sight of him deliberately avoiding contact. Back when he hadn’t known, he would hold her hand without hesitation.
When she tilted her head slightly to close the distance, Euphen drew back and clenched his fist tightly.
“Haah..”
Then he let out a short sigh.
“Why is it that you love me?”
Should she deny it?
But she had learned well enough yesterday that lies did not work on him. Somehow, Euphen could always pierce through her deceits.
“Because of me… you could have died.”
“I know.”
“You were in pain because of me.”
Instead of spouting the lie that she hadn’t been in pain, she spoke other words.
“I was glad.”
“……”
“Because it was for Your Highness. That’s why I could endure it. It’s the only reason I exist here.”
Lynette reached out her hand.
“If you reject me… I don’t know what I should do.”
“Even so……”
“The pain is proof that I touched Your Highness.”
She had never once enjoyed the pain, but it was true that even the suffering felt welcome.
“Please hold my hand.”
The man’s gaze fell upon her hand. But instead of taking it, he clenched his teeth tightly.
“If you want me to touch you, then say that you love me.”
She lifted her head and quietly gazed into his blue eyes. They had sunk so deeply that she could no longer gauge their depth.
“If I say it, will you take my hand?”
“You have never once been truthful with me.”
“I……”
“You never told me anything about the guiding. You never once opened up to me honestly, did you?”
How could she have said such things? She had never imagined a situation like this, let alone being pressed to “speak the truth.”
“Even if only once, speak honestly.”
“……”
“Say something true. Anything.”
Euphen’s voice dropped low. It almost sounded like a plea.
Lynette bit down hard on her lips.
“Your Highness, about Miss Eshar……”
“Don’t speak of that woman again.”
The man slammed his fist against the door with a bang. Her shoulders trembled at the sound.
“She doesn’t matter. Yes, I was angry with you. It was laughable, the way you declared my feelings were nothing but ‘false’ and then begged me to love someone else.”
His rough voice poured out what had been bottled inside.
“But that doesn’t mean I plan to push her away. The Lera Merchant Guild is quite useful, and Eshar is a quick-thinking woman. Still, I don’t love her.”
Lynette lowered her head. The weight of such blunt honesty pressed heavily upon her.
“The reason I held the banquet was only to connect her to other nobles.”
Euphen furrowed his brow and raked his hand roughly down his face. A short sigh slipped out.
“How much more must I bare my heart before you’ll be satisfied?”
The man gave a bitter smile as he looked down at her. Though she understood his meaning, that since he had laid himself bare, she should be honest too, but her lips refused to part so easily.
‘Even this… is selfish of me?’
Lynette clenched her fists tightly.
Since her return, she had thought and acted alone. But when it came to deciding how much truth she should reveal, and how she should prepare for what was to come, everything felt hopeless. Even if she spoke honestly, it wouldn’t reach him. And she had no idea how to change the direction of his heart.
She had done her best in her own way. She had not responded with visible joy when Euphen treated her kindly as he once had, nor had she lingered at his side outside the appointed hours.
‘No, should I have been even colder?’
Once the minimum guiding was finished, perhaps she should have shaken him off and declared that she would do no more.
Every moment since her return felt like a mistake.
If she could turn back time once more, she would try a different way this time.
She bit her lip hard. The truth was, she already knew. When Euphen no longer showed that sorrowful expression, when he smiled happily instead… at the sight of that face, she could never bring herself to be so cold.
“When you said my feelings existed only because of guiding, I did think about it.”
The man whispered in a hoarse, broken voice.
“My answer is no. Yes, perhaps in the beginning it was because of that cursed guiding. I won’t deny it. It was the first time in my life I had ever felt such fullness. But still……”
“……”
“Even now, knowing that you’re in pain, I want to touch you.”
He clenched his fist so tightly that his knuckles stood out stark white.
“Even knowing that I can’t stop the guiding, even knowing that every time I touch you it robs you of life… Lynette, I still want to hold your hand.”
“That’s……”
“Don’t tell me it’s because of guiding. From the moment I learned the truth, that very sensation became loathsome.”
Lynette looked at Euphen’s face, shadowed with darkness. It was an expression she had never seen before.
She had wished only for him to live happily, free of worry, as in her previous life. So why had it come to this?
She had thought that by reliving the same life once more, she could live more wisely, without regrets.
But instead, everything had become something to regret.
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