Chapter 190
‧₊˚ ☁️⋅♡𓂃 ࣪ ִֶָ☾.
“It wasn’t like that.”
The man said that he never intended to deceive me forever from the start. He just had no choice but to deceive me at first.
After the bombing, I changed.
“You lost all your memories. How could I have told someone who was unfamiliar and scared—even to herself—that we were infiltrating the enemy’s territory and that if we were discovered, we’d be killed on the spot?”
“I understand that too, but you didn’t have to keep hiding it all this time! If you’d told me sooner…”
“Do you think it would have made any difference?”
“…What?”
“Do you think you would have calmly accepted it with a smile back then, unlike now?”
That would have been a lie.
“You will fear people you don’t need to fear, stay awake on peaceful nights, and only suffer longer with anxiety.”
For me, memory was poison and forgetting was medicine. Having lost everything, I was happier than before I forgot.
“Dana, above all, I wanted you to be happy.”
That’s why this man was willing to give up returning to his homeland if it meant I could be happy, even prepared to hide the truth forever. He seemed to refer to the time he vowed to me to live together as the Renner couple.
“Felkner’s interference ruined those plans…”
“Well then you could have told me back then!”
“He kept watching you. How could I tell you we’re spies with him constantly around?”
“You thought I couldn’t keep a secret? What did you take me for? You told me to trust you unconditionally, but you didn’t trust me yourself!”
Having held back everything I wanted to say to him until now, my pent-up anger finally exploded. The man watched me shouting with sad eyes and then spoke in a calmer voice.
“I know you, but you don’t know yourself.”
“…”
“I mean you were cautious before, but now you’re impulsive. You used to be composed in every moment, but now you get startled, cry, and tremble over the smallest things. Could I tell someone like that something so dangerous?”
Even as I challenged him, I was still sobbing and trembling all over. Seeing me unable to rebut, the man looked as if he wished he could kill himself for having said those words, and reached out to hug me.
I dodged again, so he roughly brushed his own face with his hand.
“Dana, I’m not blaming you. I just want you to understand my situation. And please know, no matter how you are, I love you.”
When he said he loved me unconditionally, I burst into tears. It wasn’t about joy, but with bitter frustration.
“Do you think it would have made any difference?”
What the man said wasn’t entirely wrong. Even if I had known the truth earlier, some things wouldn’t have been different. I would have been just as lost and afraid, unfamiliar with everything like when I first woke up without memories.
Meanwhile, I’d still misunderstand Christmas traditions and risk exposing our identities to the enemy.
But one thing I’m sure would have been different.
“You loved me enough to deceive me, but don’t you realize that made me doubt your love too?”
I forced myself to confess this to him, even though he looked completely clueless.
“I thought you loved another woman—someone named Dana.”
Judging by his expression, he had never imagined that.
“…So you misunderstood and thought I had another woman, and that’s why you’ve been acting strange all this time?”
He said I must have changed at some point. He thought maybe because of the Major, or maybe because I found another man, he assumed I had lost feelings for him.
It was staggering to think he believed I didn’t love him. He, too, found that idea utterly ridiculous.
“To think I’d love another woman and leave you… that makes no sense. I’ve loved only you my whole life, longed for you so desperately. Why would I ever do such a thing?”
“As you said, I don’t even know myself. How could I possibly know you?”
The moment I said that, the tears welled up again. This time from sorrow.
Being Dana was a relief, but that didn’t mean I was simply happy. I felt ashamed that I had been jealous and hateful of myself, that I had doubted his love and spent so long anxious and insecure. It felt like madness.
“I’ve been such a fool…”
“Dana… don’t say that.”
He reached out his hand to me, but I harshly pushed it away. He stared at his hand for a moment before letting it drop limply.
“I’m the fool here… I’m sorry.”
Isn’t it incredible that two fools like us are infiltrating the enemy as spies?
“Why exactly are we here?”
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