Chapter 319
‧₊˚ ☁️⋅♡𓂃 ࣪ ִֶָ☾.
If there was a divine will behind your temptation, then it must have been a test from God. And I failed it outright. Once you fail the first time, the second comes easily, after that, it becomes ridiculous.
I was a loser who began insisting he was a victor.
In Eisenthal, I lost my status, my honor, my wealth, everything I had, and kept only you. At times I thought that perhaps the only way I could have you was by laying everything down. If that was the case, then I was willing to give it all up.
“From now on, we’ll live as an ordinary couple. Don’t go back home. Let’s stay here and live as the Renner couple in the mountains.”
From now on, this woman is Rize, and I am Johann. From now on, there is no fear in my love.
Back then, I thought it was a brave challenge. Looking back now, it was cowardly逃. It was an escape.
So did I succeed in running away?
Maybe I could have, if I had lost my memory like you did.
“How could you fall for a wanton woman and sleep with someone else’s wife!”
Time and again, I stumbled over our past, over the truth, until at last I was hunted.
“That man you call your husband is a fraud.”
I need nothing but you, yet to protect you, I need so many things. By giving everything up, I left myself with no means to protect you.
And so, in the end, I chose the path of abandoning my humanity.
Even then, because you said you were happy, I grew shamelessly arrogant. I told myself that, unlike Rupert, I could be a good husband.
I’m sorry. For failing to be one.
Looking back, I can’t find a single moment where I can honestly say I was better than Rupert.
I’m truly sorry. When I learned Rupert was alive, why didn’t I let you go then? Why did I drag this out, making you suffer all the way to the very last moment we were together…?
…I heard Rupert was alive from Lieutenant O’Brien.
“So the Marquis was right after all!”
Rupert had already returned to his homeland and had been searching for you all along. He must have learned you were alive and living as a married couple with me in Hyland from that damned official gazette with the article about the ‘Renner couple’.
“We were told you might appear at the front, but I never thought you actually would.”
Apparently, from the time the article was published, orders were given to contact him immediately if we appeared at the front.
“The Marquis was overjoyed to hear that his wife had returned.”
When the lieutenant asked headquarters about decoding the cipher, the army learned we were back. Rupert, who had since transferred to the military police, must have found out as well. He told them he was coming at once and ordered them to keep you there.
That night, I had no choice but to say goodbye to you.
I didn’t forget the wildflowers. I just couldn’t give them to you. Even if I had, they would soon have lost their meaning.
I knocked on your door empty-handed and nearly broke down.
“Where have you been? Why are you only coming back now? Can’t you hear me? I asked where you’ve been!”
Your scolding was terrifying, yet not frightening at all. Even this will become a happy memory someday, one I’ll miss so badly it brings me to tears.
I etched your nagging words into my heart with joy. Because it would be the last time.
That night could only ever be our last.
‘Your husband is alive. Yes. And I am not your husband.’
Even if you forgave me after that confession, we could never be together.
“If you can’t believe me, then how about believing this instead, that divorce is impossible?”
Just as you said, divorcing Rupert is impossible. Even if you twisted my neck, the man who made you Rupert’s wife, the marriage cannot be undone.
Now you understand why I couldn’t bring myself to speak easily that night, don’t you?
That night, I was standing with the barrel of a gun in my mouth, wondering when to pull the trigger. Of course it took time.
The longer you delay, the harder it becomes to die. And in the same way, the longer I delayed, the harder it became to tell you the truth.
No, if I had never known what it was like to be loved by you, I could have let you go more easily.
“Killian.”
As I hesitated, you spoke, without knowing what I was struggling over, as if you had read my heart, and said the very words I most wanted to hear.
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