Chapter 79
“It doesn’t concern me anymore. Why are you apologizing to me now?”
Christian’s indifferent tone made Lilien choke. She almost wished he’d just get angry at her, like before. At least then, she’d know how he felt. But ever since that day, he hadn’t once lost his composure—and today was no different.
It felt as though Christian had simply given up on her, and that hurt far more than she’d expected.
“Yes, you’re right. I haven’t changed my mind. I’m an adult. Of course I have the right to decide for myself whether I get married or not, don’t I?”
“Fine. Then keep thinking that way. Don’t worry about what I think anymore.”
“…Still…”
Lilien hesitated, struggling to find the right words, afraid Christian might turn back to his paperwork. So she quickly continued.
“Still, I should have discussed it with you, Christian. We’re family. We’ve always carried the weight of our choices together, side by side.”
Christian had sacrificed so much for her, simply because they were family. Strictly speaking, he wasn’t even a true de Bermore. And yet, out of nothing but affection for her, he’d borne so much.
“So even if I made this decision alone, the consequences are something we’ll bear together. Because we’re family. I should’ve told you beforehand, asked for your understanding, and explained my reasons. The order is all wrong, but… will you listen to why I decided to marry Cairn?”
Nervously, Lilien wiped her sweaty palms on her skirt and glanced at Christian. He turned to look out the window, heaved a long sigh, and finally responded in a quiet voice.
“All right.”
While she sat staring at her teacup, he settled into the sofa across from her.
“Let’s hear it, then. Did you suddenly realize you were in love with Lord Headington after all?”
“If you’re asking if I love Cairn… to be honest, I don’t.”
It wasn’t something a bride-to-be should admit, but lying to Christian would be pointless—he’d see through it immediately.
“There were so many reasons I agreed to this marriage. I can’t point to just one…”
“The main reason is the de Bermore family’s situation, isn’t it?”
“Yes, you’re right, Christian. There was no other solution in sight. Father kept telling me to wait, I had no authority, and you were exhausted too.”
“I was….”
He wanted to say ‘not really,’ but Christian didn’t want to lie to her anymore.
“Yeah. I was tired. Everything felt hopeless. Even selling the house—something I thought would be easy—turned out to be impossible. But that doesn’t mean I wanted you to marry Lord Headington, Lili.”
For a moment, Lilien felt oddly happy to hear Christian call her ‘Lili’ again after so long.
“I know you’re upset, Christian. I really am grateful for your love. I know you’re angry because you care about me, right?”
“…Yes.”
“If I can tell anyone, it should be you.”
Lilien decided, for once, to share something she’d kept secret even from herself.
“There’s another reason—just as important as what I mentioned before.”
“Don’t lie to me, Lilien.”
“I’m not lying, Christian. You know I’m no good at that.”
Christian took off his glasses and rubbed his tired eyes.
“What is it?”
“I didn’t want to lose Cairn.”
After that awkward first night, watching him leave the mansion without a word, she’d felt herself sinking into a bottomless pit.
“When I received the marriage papers, I did think things through. Even when I spent days wandering the gardens, hoping he might come, I was always waiting for him, and always disappointed when he didn’t.”
Could she call that love? It felt too lukewarm, too familiar for that.
“Our relationship might never be passionate, the way some couples are. Maybe we’ll never have that kind of love. But for me, friendship isn’t any less important. I just… I didn’t want to lose my one and only friend. That’s the real truth.”
Her thoughts were tossed about like waves shifting in the wind, but the direction she needed to go was always the same.
She never wanted to be apart from Cairn. That, at least, was certain.
“So please, don’t be too upset. It hurts me to see you like this, Christian.”
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