Please Forget Me - Chapter 317

‧₊˚ ☁️⋅♡𓂃 ࣪ ִֶָ☾.

Around that time, I kept thinking that the way you looked at me felt strangely familiar. Only then did I remember where I had seen that look before.

“Very well, my love.”

The look you’d given Rupert when he asked you to marry him at once, the look of someone gazing at the person they loved.

‘…Why are you looking at me like that?’

Perhaps my kindness had led you to misunderstand.

To be honest, that wasn’t the first time I’d picked flowers for you. At the beginning, like the bouquet of daffodils I gave you in return for a glass of milk, it was simply repayment.

After we moved to Eisenthal, you often knit whenever you had spare time, following Mrs. Bauer around. Strangely enough, you remembered how to knit.

I was glad, any sign that you were reclaiming pieces of your past made me happy. I bought you yarn to encourage you, but I never asked what you were making. It didn’t matter to me.

“Hold still for a moment. Could you lift your foot?”

“…Pardon?”

One day, you stopped knitting, slipped under the table, and pressed a soft tuft of wool against my foot.

“What are you doing…?”

“I’m knitting socks.”

“…For me?”

“Yes.”

You answered as if it were obvious. You didn’t know why it wouldn’t be.

My chest felt like it was going to burst for a dozen different reasons.

The next day, you really did give me a pair of socks. I accepted them without thinking, but I couldn’t bring myself to wear them. How could I?

“Johann, why don’t you wear the socks I made?”

“Ah, well…”

“Don’t you like the color?”

“No, that’s not it. I’m worried they’ll wear out…”

“My goodness. Then next time I’ll knit you an ugly pair you won’t mind wearing out.”

And so I ended up receiving a whole pile of socks I still couldn’t bring myself to wear.

Only later did it occur to me that I hadn’t even properly thanked you, too busy wondering whether it was right to accept them at all. Using the excuse that it would be rude to offer nothing in return, I handed you a small bunch of wildflowers.

“Wow, you picked these for me? They’re so pretty. Thank you so much.”

They were just wildflowers, yet you loved them more than I expected.

Yes, just wildflowers.

From that day on, I started picking wildflowers for you every day under that same excuse. By then, they were no longer repayment.

So maybe that’s why you misunderstood my feelings.

No, that’s a coward’s excuse.

The first day I gave you wildflowers, I stood in front of the attic door hesitating until they nearly wilted. If there had been no private feelings behind them, there would’ve been no reason to hesitate.

I was expressing my feelings to you. In the end, it was my fault. I’m sorry.

Your affection, which had begun growing toward the wrong person, took deeper root. From kisses to embraces, and then to sharing a bed, you began to want ever more intimate expressions of love. I felt as though I was being driven into a corner.

I wanted to give you anything you desired. But that thing you wanted was my love.

The one thing I wanted most to give, and the one thing I must not.

‘Why do you want that?’

It hurt. Before you lost your memories, you hadn’t wanted my love. I didn’t know which version of you to believe.

The you who looked at me with disgust when I confessed I couldn’t forget you, or the you who looked happy when I said I’d loved only you all my life.

I already knew the answer.

You love me now because you know nothing. When you regain your memories and understand everything, you’ll reject me again.

That was the greatest reason I pushed you away but not the only one.

You had things you were owed as a marchioness. I hoped that when we returned home, you would finally claim what was yours and be repaid for all you’d endured.

And I had my duty as a man of the cloth.

I know it sounds absurd, speaking of duty as a priest after living as a skeptic. But at that time, I can say without hesitation that I was more devout than anyone.

“If you spare her life, if you let her return home safely, I swear I will repent my doubt and irreverence and live the rest of my life as a faithful servant of God.”

After God answered that prayer, I resolved to devote my life to Him as promised.

I never once thought of claiming you for myself when you were left alone.